Bergamasco Jokes 101

Question: Why did the Bergamasco cross the road?

Answer: Because he has always crossed the road in that exact spot every time he came there. It was the right thing to do.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dog with flocks.

Dog with flocks? What? Who?

Bergamasco.

Berga what?

Italian sheepdog.

Oh. Are you supposed to look like that?

Sigh.

A Bergamasco, a Lab, and a Greyhound go into the grocery store. Question: Who actually accomplishes the shopping?

Answer: None of them. The lab starts chasing an apple that someone has thrown for him a few times. The Greyhound sees the store as an elaborate race track and creates a start and finish line. The Bergamasco is not feeling the food at the store that day and wonders what else there might be at another store.

Question: Where can you find a Bergamasco making a tough decision?

Answer: Between a flock and a hard place.

Question: What's black and white and brown all over?

Answer: A Bergamasco fresh from rolling in a pile of leaves.

Question: How many Bergamascos does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Well...

One Bergamasco says, "Hmm, nice and dark, my people are at work, couch is calling my name... Nap time!"

Another Bergamasco says, "I would change the light bulb, but I believe the wiring is not up to code. Wiring is a job for someone like a border collie."

Another Bergamasco says, "Get the lab to do it. He's just begging to do something useful."

Another Bergamasco says, "First, I will clock in to work. Second, I will round up all available light bulbs and get them in the room. Third, I will bark until the light bulb replaces itself."

Another Bergamasco says, "Woof, replace the bulb, human. Woof, replace the bulb, human. Woof."

A Bergamasco walks into a bar.

Bartender: "What'll ya have buddy?"

Bergamasco: "I'll just take a beer."

Bartender: "Here ya go." (hands him a beer)

Bergamasco: Sniffs beer. Walks away from beer then back to the beer. "Ummm....?"

Bartender: "Something wrong with that?"

Bergamasco: "I don't suppose you could maybe put... something...oh I don't know...something yummy on top? Maybe a little turkey?"

Bartender: "Whatever guy. If that gets you to drink the beer, fine. Have some turkey."

Bergamasco: Sniffs beer. Considers turkey. Takes a bite of turkey. Then walks away from bar and back again. "Ummmm....?"

Bartender: "That's not doing it for ya?"

Bergamasco: "Maybe a little bacon on top too? I think that will do it."

Bartender: "Fine have some bacon."

Bergamasco: Sniffs beer. Considers bacon and turkey. Judges bartender as a typical human and continues this process until he has cheese puffs, a donut, more turkey, and a hamburger.

Seriously Nore? Hrrumph!

Yeah, so that's Breton in the picture. Guess what he's doing? We were driving him home from Dad's sister's house after a day of chillin' with the family, and Ayla and I were just falling asleep. Then out of nowhere, this guy crawls up on my back, stumbles around to get comfortable and falls asleep up there. I didn't move or growl or anything. I wasn't going to be rude. But I'm thinking, "What the what?"

Nore (Dad's mom) brought the little guy home over the summer. He's just a kid really, and our Kid really likes to play with him. We've gone out walking with him a few times, and all of that is cool. It's just that, well, Nore and I have this bond. She's sort of, mine. I help her garden, she gives me cookies, we get each other. Now, she has Breton. Does she really need me anymore? Is one fluffy face at home enough for one woman?

I don't know. He's awfully young and can't possibly be as mature and responsible as me. Maybe Nore has room for both of us in her life, but, well, we'lll see.

Alright, I can admit this to you, dear readers. Once he got comfortable on my back for his nap, I sort of started to notice that he was kind of sweet and warm up there. And clearly, he looks up to me. Maybe I can take care of him and Nore. Ah, the tireless work of being a Bergamasco. Sigh.

A Walk To Restore Sanity

You have surely seen those dogs around. You know the ones, barking loudly and aggressively out of a car window. Or maybe they ran back and forth skirting the edge of what you hope is a secure electric fence. Or it may have been the other kind of those dogs, walking in a perfect heel alongside his "master." Perhaps it was a dog up on her tip toes, dancing for a tasteless cookie.

Are you, instead, the kind of dog that thinks pointless, angry barking is annoying? Do you think any requests from our people should be followed with a solid explanation? Do you hear your people calling you and think maybe you should run right over there and then say to yourself, "Nah, they can wait?" Then we want you! That's right, you! A dog who is both rational and contemplative. A dog who will wait for a very good reason before doing things. A dog who is not a run out in the rain dog, but is instead a wait for an easy, perfect weather dog. That's right, you, a Bergamasco.

October 30 we will walk in East Greenwich. The date has no significance. It's not even close to the date we had a meet-up last year. It will not be a day to see who is the loudest dog. It will not be a race. No one will win anything. No public opinions will be swayed. It's a day for you, a dog with a life. A dog who sleeps, goes out for walks, eats dinner, and herds kids or sheep or cats or no one at all.

Weather permitting of course (our people may choose to meet anyway if it rains, but we will wage silent, polite protests from the car). We will shop a little, walk a little, then sleep in our cars while our people pay other people to serve them food.

Talk to Mom about the details. By the way, I think some guy in DC wants to do a people version of this.

Soundscapes, the Yanni Experiment

Mom thinks she is supremely clever. She has been playing "Soundscapes" a sensitive, new age music station on our cable tv when we are at home without them. During the day, Ayla and I are now doing Reike, meditating, creating guided visualizations, and developing mantras. I started to feel a little angry the other day because the dog across the street was barking himself silly, but then I just let the anger come and go like the waves on the ocean.

I used to get really into barking with Mom and Dad came home. As soon as the car was in the driveway, I would get the greeting barks going. How else would they know I was happy to see them? I see now that my emotions were carrying me and exploding out instead of being my personal experience to share or not to share. Why should I bark when I can quietly feel my joy and express it to them with a simple wagging tail?

I overheard Mom saying she was experimenting to see if playing soothing music would get us to quiet down during the day and bark less. Is that how it is? Do we seem so simple? I could get annoyed by this, but I think the Whale Song is on now.

It's Getting To Be That Time

I'm hoping that as you gaze upon the beauty of this scene, you don't notice that a few pounds from the lazy days of summer have remained with me. You see, friends, it was just so hot. And I really love the air conditioning, and lounging on my bed. Then there were the clam bakes and the barbecues. Folks were kind enough to toss a bit of lobster my way. I never turn down a nice piece of salmon. Burgers were great this year on some back porches. And then, also, vacations happened. When we're on the road, there is nothing like a Wendy's hamburger fed to you while you are lounging in the car.

Now, though, it is September. The mornings have had that little bit of crispness. The chilly air is nudging me out of my comfy bed, and making me think it might be time to get back in shape and get out hiking again. Or perhaps, like Mom, I will hit the snooze button, turn over in my coziness, and wait just a little longer.

Besides, Jeanine said my extra chunk was sexy!

The Dog Days of Summer

For the record, summer is not the favorite season of a Bergamasco. For one, it's too hot. Also, we don't get to ride around in the car as much. We don't go out hiking whenever we want. And, also, it's too hot. On the plus side, there are moments like the one my friend, Jaye, captured in this photo. A sweet spot of shade on a breezy porch at a vacation house.

You may have noticed Maya in the background, peering out at me from the screen door. I know what you are thinking - "Oh look, isn't she cute!" or "Oh, she wants to come out and play on the porch too!" or as you really look, you start to think, "Boy I bet she's hungry, maybe I should give her all the food she wants." This is how she works. She lures you in with her sweet smile and floppy ears, and soon, you are offering your full food bowl to her. She is also mind controlling Jaye, sending thoughts like, "Why are you out there taking pictures of that oversized, lazy, flocky porch-loving dog when you could be in here, worshiping me and giving me snacks?"

I don't fault Maya for her powers. We have been friends a long time now. She can have my food bowl and my treats. And in return, I am allowed to hike with her, camp with her, and worship her always.

Om shanti woof

I've discovered a new passion for.... yoga. It may look like I just love a comfy yoga mat, but this is a picture of me doing doggie modified Makarasana (Crocodile pose). Recently, mom pulled up the green rug (MY green rug) because I guess one rug can only handle so much from a couple years of pets. She then put down a yoga mat to do exercises on and after watching her on the mat, I figured I should try it.

So now, I'm doing restorative poses on the yoga mat for pretty much 8-10 hours a day. I think I am really getting good at relaxing into the pose. My routine thus far includes walking in a circle on the mat a few times (Dog Circle Pose), practice scratching the mat with your front paws (Dog Nesting Pose), stretch yourself out on the mat (Dog Nap Pose), and when you get really exhausted from your intense yoga workout, lie on your back with all four paws in the air (Dog Savasana). Finally, let out a nice loud sigh, releasing all the stress (Dog Om).

I'm thinking about giving dog yoga classes here in the living room. You will have to bring your own mat of course, because this one is all mine.

New Year's Thoughts

Many of my fans have asked me, "What is your New Year's resolution, Mr. Orso?"

It's difficult to say for sure what changes I will bring to my life this year. You may have noticed that Bergamascos tend to have one plan for the day and stick to it. We are not so big on CHANGE.

Recently, I developed a new sleeping spot in the bedroom. After years of doorway sleeping, I just got tired of waiting for The Kid to move or to get out of my spot. I don't think she is that attached to doorway sleeping so much as she is attached to taking over. So in this case, I acquiesced. I established a new spot at the foot of the bed. Now, however, I often have to remind Mom to make appropriate space there. Once there, though, I don't move. At all. For anything. It's a good spot. See? I can be flexible, sort of.

What changes would I make in my personality? I know Mom would like me to bark a little less when I'm excited about stuff. Last weekend, we had a Bergamasco gathering in RI, and I barked all day. It was awesome. I don't think I would change anything there. I love barking. And I'm so good at it. Last night, outside in the yard, during random fireworks in the neighborhood, I was able to continuously bark while also going to the bathroom. It's a skill, people.

Other changes? Dad would probably like me to be a little less "stubborn" - as he calls it. I can be very focused and single-minded. I can see how this quality could be mistaken for stubborn, but I think it's part of my intellect, my strength of keeping order in our house. I guess maybe it's a little stubborn when I refuse to leave the porch to go out when it's inclement weather. But let's face it, a wet Bergamasco is not the most pleasant smell - maybe I know best here. What do you think?

So perhaps instead of resolutions, it is better to set intentions for the new year. I intend to be the most loving family member I can be, to be a good role model for The Kid, to fully enjoy every minute of couch time, to savor my cookies, and to use my mental telepathy powers to get more people to give me turkey and rub my bum. I think it will be a very good year.